Were Your Emotions Dismissed Growing Up?

If you grew up in a home where your emotions were dismissed, ignored, ridiculed or punished, you may have learnt from an early age to push them down and simply get on with things.

Perhaps you were told you were being too sensitive, that there was nothing to be upset about, or that you needed to stop crying. Or maybe emotions simply weren’t talked about in your family, and there wasn’t much space for sadness, fear, anger or vulnerability.

As a child, learning to suppress your emotions may have helped you cope with the environment you were in. But what helped you survive or adapt as a child can sometimes create difficulties in adulthood – including in your relationships and in how you respond to your own children.

When you haven’t learnt how to respond to your emotions

When your emotions weren’t acknowledged or supported growing up, you may not have had the opportunity to learn what to do with them.

You may not have learnt how to identify what you’re feeling, sit with uncomfortable emotions, soothe yourself when you’re distressed, or care for the more vulnerable parts of yourself.

Instead, you might have become very good at pushing through, staying busy, looking after other people or convincing yourself that your own needs aren’t that important.

Over time, this can make it difficult to recognise when you need emotional support – and even harder to ask for it.

Understanding Emotional Deprivation Schema

When emotional needs repeatedly go unmet during childhood, you can develop what we call an Emotional Deprivation Schema.

A schema is a deeply held pattern or belief about yourself, other people and relationships that develops through your early experiences.

With an Emotional Deprivation Schema, there can be a deep expectation that other people won’t really be able to meet you emotionally. You might expect that your feelings won’t be understood, that your needs won’t be taken seriously, or that other people simply won’t be there for you in the way you need.

Because these expectations can feel so familiar, they can influence the relationships you form without you necessarily being aware of it.

How emotional deprivation can show up in adulthood

Emotional deprivation can look different for different people.

You might repeatedly find yourself drawn to partners who are emotionally unavailable, leaving you with the familiar feeling that your needs aren’t being met. You may struggle to identify what you’re feeling or find it difficult to put your emotional needs into words.

For some people, emotions remain pushed down until they eventually become overwhelming. For others, there can be a persistent feeling of loneliness or disconnection, even when they have people around them.

There may also be a sense that no one truly “gets” you.

These patterns can also become particularly noticeable when you become a parent yourself.

Your child’s emotions may bring up feelings or experiences that you weren’t supported with as a child. You might find certain emotions difficult to tolerate, feel unsure about how to respond, or notice yourself repeating some of the responses you experienced growing up – even when you consciously want to parent differently.

You can learn a different way of relating to your emotions

The way you learnt to manage emotions as a child doesn’t have to determine how you relate to yourself or others for the rest of your life.

Therapy can help you understand where these patterns came from and why they developed. Rather than judging yourself for your reactions, you can begin to understand them in the context of what you experienced and what you needed at the time.

Therapies such as EMDR and Schema Therapy can help you process early experiences that continue to affect you, recognise the patterns they have created, and develop new ways of responding to your emotional needs.

Over time, this can mean becoming better able to recognise and express what you’re feeling, care for yourself when difficult emotions arise, communicate your needs in relationships and respond differently when old patterns are triggered.

It can also help you build relationships in which being emotionally understood, supported and connected feels more possible.